Softening the Inner Critic: Practical Tools for Managing Perfectionism
First of all, what is perfectionism? Perfectionism can manifest in a wide range of ways:
Procrastinating starting an assignment because doing nothing at all seems safer than trying and not getting it “perfectly,” or because you’re just not sure where to start.
Getting good grades, but never feeling pleased or proud of yourself - just relieved to be done with the project/assignment.
Hearing people tell you they are proud of you and feeling uncomfortable and guilty because you must have somehow “fooled them” into thinking so highly of you.
Setting goals and standards that are way beyond what you are capable of achieving (at least right now).
Worrying about how others perceive you.
Over-explaining yourself to avoid being misunderstood.
Not knowing who you are when you’re not the best at __________.
Not knowing who you are because you’re always wearing a mask, trying to be a version of yourself that others will view positively.
Saying “yes” to things when you should have said “no.”
Never feeling like you’re good enough, no matter how hard you try.
Isn’t perfectionism when you seem to effortlessly excel at everything?
It’s much more complicated than that. But, yes, some perfectionists are also high-achievers - they set high standards and consistently meet them (at least to the outside observer). These perfectionists often experience a high amount of anxiety around the fear of not excelling.
Performance can become tied to self-worth. In those moments, a low grade doesn’t just feel disappointing - it can feel personal, as if it says something about who they are. They may feel like they’re always one step away from being seen as “just ordinary,” and that possibility can feel deeply threatening to their sense of worth. These perfectionists have learned that it’s not safe to be anything less than flawless. Perhaps they experienced criticism from parents or family as a child. From there, the need to remain flawless continues to be reinforced by others in their life who see them as perfect and notice any moments of weakness (ex. friends that make comments like “uh oh, look who got an A instead of an A+ this time”).
While these perfectionists typically do meet high standards and appear flawless to others, their inner dialogue is often filled with self-criticism and self-doubt, and the pressure to remain “perfect” can leave them feeling stressed, anxious, and burned out. While they struggle with anxiety on the inside, on the outside, people see them as driven, successful, and ambitious, praising them for their hard work and reinforcing their need to keep pushing and excelling.
What about perfectionists who frequently set standards that they can’t meet - do they exist?
While many perfectionists are consistently meeting objectively high standards, many perfectionists are shooting for the stars and frequently missing. When perfectionism looks like this, it can leave you feeling disappointed, hopeless, embarrassed, and incompetent. Many of these perfectionists spent most of their earlier years excelling, developing an identity as a high-achiever. Elementary school and maybe even high school were a breeze for them, their parents were consistently proud of them, and they learned that the sky was the limit - they could achieve anything.
By the time they reached university and the expectations of adulthood, the game had changed, and the bar had risen far beyond what their old strategies could handle. They’re still bright and capable, but the effort required to meet those same high standards has grown in ways their tools haven’t kept up with. So they keep setting those same high standards and struggle to meet them. They fear they’ve let down everyone who once saw them as unstoppable, now that they feel painfully ordinary. They worry their spark has faded, and that their days of being a high-achiever are behind them.
If this sounds like you, what’s coming next might help.
The road to recovery from perfectionism is not easy (but neither is life!). At its core, perfectionism works a lot like any other anxiety: a fear underneath, and avoidance habits that form to protect us from it. To regain control from perfectionism, we need to 1) identify that fear, 2) identify the avoidance behaviour, and 3) use strategies that help us to remove our avoidance behaviour - a very fancy way of saying “do the opposite of what perfectionism is telling you to do.”
Dealing with negative self-talk or self-criticism related to perfectionism.
Many people with perfectionism deal with harsh self-talk that makes it really hard to even begin. This voice might tell you things like “this assignment is too hard,” or “I’m stupid.” Imagine someone giving you a pep talk before you start an assignment, telling you how hard the assignment is going to be and how incapable you are of doing well - are you going to be excited to get started on that assignment? Or are you going to start worrying that maybe you don’t have what it takes to do well, and feel overwhelmed about where to start? Probably the latter, unless you decide to DOMINATE the assignment, just to prove them wrong 😈
The point is, treating ourselves unkindly with negative self-talk rarely motivates us to get started and often results in avoidance of the task.
Here are a few things you can do when this happens:
Replace the rude thought with something kinder and more balanced.
When you catch negative self-talk, consciously tell yourself something similar but more self-compassionate and balanced. For example, if your self-critic says “this assignment is too hard,” tell yourself something like “this assignment is challenging, but I have what it takes to get through it.” For more help on challenging negative self-talk, check out this post on automatic thoughts and thinking traps.
Responding to “worst-case scenario” thoughts.
If your rude inner voice likes to try and scare you with worst-case scenarios, appease it and walk through the scenario step by step. How likely is that fear? How bad would it really be? This can lower the pressure and help you see things more clearly.
Don’t respond to “worst-case scenario” thoughts.
Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is not respond to the worst-case scenario. If going through it step by step makes your anxiety spiral instead of helping you find solutions, it can be kinder to simply notice the thought and let it be, without following the voice that insists you dissect every possible outcome.
Create space from your thoughts.
Notice perfectionistic thoughts without letting them boss you around. You can try saying, “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough,” to remind yourself it’s just a thought, not a fact. By creating some distance from our thoughts, we can see them as ideas passing through our mind, not as reflections of our worth.
Notice that you are more than just thoughts.
Your mind might tell you tough stories (“You’re not enough,” “You’ll mess this up”). But remember: you’re the one observing those stories, not defined by them. This creates freedom to choose differently. We get to choose which thoughts we believe and how we respond.
“The better is the enemy of the good.”
Practical ways to start making progress.
Progress is better than perfection. I repeat, progress is better than perfection. When we give our anxiety what it wants (avoidance), it grows. The best defence against this is to refuse to feed the anxiety and get started DESPITE feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or scared.
Here are a few ways that you can get started, even when every fibre of your body is willing you to avoid:
Work in time blocks.
Sometimes, our perfectionist brain convinces us that we need to complete an entire task or assignment from start to finish in one sitting, AND it needs to be perfect on the first (and only) try. Imagine trying to eat an entire pizza in one bite! (How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!).
If you procrastinate because you’re afraid of not doing it “right,” try working in short, timed sessions. This helps you get started and stops you from overworking or endlessly tweaking. You can start with 10 or 15 minute blocks of time, increasing as needed.
Take small, values-based steps.
Anxiety might come along for the ride, but it doesn’t get to drive the bus! Act according to your values, goals, and aspirations rather than your fears. For example, perfectionism might tell you not to go to a party because you won’t know exactly what to say or how you’ll come across. But you go anyway because you value connection and hope to make a new friend. If you followed perfectionism instead, you’d stay home, protecting your comfort, but moving further away from the kind of life you actually want.
Put your phone down and do something else.
Productive procrastination gets a bad reputation, but it can actually be helpful at times. If you’re doom-scrolling or glued to your comfort show, try standing up and doing anything other than the task you’re avoiding. Getting into doing mode snaps you out of the stuck loop and starts to build momentum. And once you’re already in motion, starting the harder thing doesn’t feel nearly as impossible.
Change the goal from “done” to “in progress.”
Procrastination often shows up when our brain decides a task has to be finished in one go. While the first strategy above focuses on using short time blocks, this one is about changing the goal itself.
Imagine a pile of donations in the corner of your bedroom (purely hypothetical, of course 👀). Perfectionism says you have to deal with it from start to finish in one session. That expectation raises the energy required to begin — and makes avoidance more likely.
When we shift the goal from “done” to “in progress,” we remind ourselves that some projects are allowed to take time. Donations aren’t urgent. It’s okay to chip away at them slowly instead of all at once.
Normalize discomfort as part of the process.
We’re not always going to be thrilled about chores, tasks, or errands, especially when we’re holding ourselves to high standards. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it often just means you’re starting something that matters. When we wait for motivation or calm to appear first, perfectionism stays in control. Sometimes the work is simply to let the discomfort be there… and begin anyway.
When discomfort is normalized rather than avoided, it loses its power to block you. You stop asking, “How do I make this feel easier?” and start asking, “Can I let this feel uncomfortable and still take one small step?”
Perfectionism is a beast, but it doesn’t get to drive the bus - you do!
Perfectionism is a destructive beast disguised as self-protection. It wants you to believe that it has your best interests at heart. But more often than not, perfectionism just makes life more difficult. It adds barriers to tasks that are already daunting enough. It increases the energy required to get started, making that first step feel impossible. It convinces us that our self-worth is hugely based on our accomplishments. It views mistakes as personal failures rather than part of being human.
When we let perfectionism run the show, we often set ourselves up for disappointment and move ourselves further from the life we truly want to live, all in the name of “self-protection.”
I hope these suggestions help you take the wheel from perfectionism and start moving toward the life you actually want!