How to support a teenager with anxiety
I want to start out by saying that while parents play a HUGE role in supporting their children, parents are not the only ones who can support a teenager in their life who is struggling with anxiety. Teachers, grandparents, coaches, neighbors, and other extended family members or family friends can all play a valuable role in supporting an anxious teen. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child! I also want to acknowledge that the content in this post may not resonate for everyone. You might be in a stage of life where you truly don’t have time to focus on regulating yourself, or perhaps you have tried these strategies and they didn’t work for you. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. My goal is to help as many parents as I can, however, ultimately some of you will not find what you need in this blog post.
It can be really hard to watch your child struggle and feel unsure about how to help. In this post, we’ll look at some common signs of anxiety in teens, ways adults can manage their own anxiety and reactions, and how to best support their teen through it.
Anxiety can manifest in many different ways.
When children are younger, anxiety can be refusing to separate from a parent or repeated asking of questions around safety and security. But as children get older, anxiety can become more complex and challenging for parents to spot. For some teens, anxiety might be really open and obvious - perhaps they describe excessive worries or avoid certain situations or people. But anxiety can also become internal and deeply personal. It is during the tween and teen years that people start to experience thoughts about their identity and their worth. Teenagers with anxiety might find themselves thinking things like people don’t like me or people think I’m weird. They might also begin to experience thoughts about the future or the past like I won’t get into university or I acted like a fool at the school dance.
Also during this time in life many people start to pick and choose which parts of their experience they share and with whom they share it. For example, they may be experiencing worries and negative self-talk and choose not to share it with anyone for fear of embarrassment or judgment.
Anxiety can also manifest as behaviours. You might notice that your child is avoiding social interactions or staying up late at night. Perhaps they have started to engage in substance use such as cigarettes, alcohol, or cannabis. Or maybe they have been picking their skin or engaging in other non-suicidal self-injury (such as cutting).
All of the above could indicate that your child is experiencing anxiety or worry, especially if these signs are also causing them distress and/or negatively impacting their life.
Before we can help a child with their anxiety, we need to regulate ourselves.
In-flight safety instruction manual with image focused on oxygen mask instructions. Unknown airline.
If the cabin in an aircraft depressurizes, you need to secure your oxygen mask first before you can help someone else. If you don’t put yours on first and then you pass out from lack of oxygen, how will you be able to help your child? Similarly, if we don’t have the mental and emotional capacity to help someone with anxiety, we probably aren’t going to be very helpful. But this is much easier said than done. As a parent, you have a busy life filled with responsibilities and pressures that extend beyond your parenting role. You might also be dealing with challenging work situations, caring for aging parents, navigating your own health appointments and challenges, tension in your relationship, financial stress, and less time for yourself. It can be hard to be fully present for your child when it feels like the world just doesn’t stop for you.
Start by giving yourself some grace. Parents wear many hats and it can be challenging to balance them all. It can be hard to catch your breath when things just keep coming at you. No one is perfect and sometimes parenting is really hard. If you’re reading this, I’m willing to bet that you’re trying your best. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t trying your best.
Once you’ve taken a breath and given yourself some grace, here are a few other things you can do to regulate yourself more so that you can be fully present for your child:
Make sure your basic needs are met.
Have you eaten? Are you getting enough sleep? While it won’t always be possible, it’s important to identify what you need in order to present as your calm, warm, supportive self. This will look different for everyone. For some parents, this might look like connecting with a friend once per week or getting out for a walk. For others it might look like drinking enough water throughout the day or watching a comfort show at the end of the day. Take some time to reflect on what nourishes you, calms you down, and grounds you.
Identify and challenge your own negative self-talk.
Many of us have a tiny self-critic in our minds. This critic can be incredibly rude and discouraging, and get in the way of parents being fully present for their children. For example, you may have experienced thoughts like I should be able to take away their anxiety or my child is anxious because I messed up as a parent. These are unhelpful automatic thoughts. Instead, we want to gently challenge these thoughts and move towards more neutral, accurate thoughts. For example, instead of “I should be able to take away their anxiety,” you might want to try telling yourself something like: “I can’t take away my child’s anxiety, but I can help them learn to manage it.”
Take a pause.
Pay attention to what happens in your body and your mind as you begin to dysregulate, or “lose your patience.” Does your self-talk become more negative? Is there a heaviness in your chest? Do your muscles tense up? Once you have noticed that you’re becoming dysregulated, take a brief pause. If you have to excuse yourself to take this break, let your child know you need to step away but will be right back (a bathroom trip will often do the trick!). Take some deep breaths, count to 10, scroll social media, wash your face with cold water, eat a sour candy - do whatever you need to do to “reset” quickly and return. If you’re not sure what will work, you might need to try out a few things. If a brief break isn’t enough time to return to a calm state, you can let your child know that you need some time before you return to support them - let them know that you’d like to be fully present for them, but you’re struggling to do so in this moment. If this happens often, you may want to consider seeking counselling for yourself. Self-regulation can be tricky and can sometimes require external support.
Create safety for yourself.
It can be difficult to stay focused and help someone else when our brain is signaling the safety alarms. In this context, safety is less about physical safety like putting on your seatbelt - it’s about emotional safety. When we experience stress and dysregulation, our brain goes into emergency mode. Reminding yourself that this is not an emergency (unless, of course, it is), and fostering self-compassion can be very helpful in creating emotional safety. You might try telling yourself something like my child isn’t being difficult, they are having a difficult time, or supporting a child with anxiety is hard, but I can do hard things. Take a moment to come up with a personal mantra that helps you feel grounded and safe during challenging times with your child.
It might seem difficult to focus on yourself when your goal is to focus on your child, but we can’t be fully present if we feel like we’re at the end of our rope. The goal isn’t to be perfectly regulated, it’s to be regulated enough that you can focus on your child and apply the parenting techniques below.
Once we’re feeling regulated, we’re ready to help someone else regulate.
There are many ways to support a teenager who is struggling with anxiety. Here are a few of my favorite techniques:
Use more validation, and less dismissive reassurance.
Dismissive reassurance is when we use statements like it will get better or on the bright side… in response to someone sharing about their struggles. While typically used with good intention, these statements can shut down the conversation rather than using it as an opportunity to foster connection. If your child is opening up to you, this is a chance to strengthen that connection and create safety for them. You can do this by creating an empathic and validating response. Let’s build one like a sandwich:
Use a calm and quiet tone.
Briefly summarize the most important part of what they shared.
Label the feeling they are likely to experience in the situation they just shared (for example, if they shared that they made a mistake in front of their entire class, they might be feeling embarrassed).
Let them know that it is understandable or normal that they would feel that way, given the situation they just shared with you.
Be open to correction in case you misunderstood.
Give them space to continue sharing.
When we put this all together it can look like: It sounds like you had a really rough day at school today; the teacher asked you to solve a math problem on the board and you solved it incorrectly in front of the class. I bet you feel embarrassed now - I think most people would under those circumstances.
Teach problem solving skills (don’t solve the problem for them).
If your child often worries about problems or feels like things are out of their control, teaching problem-solving skills can be really helpful. Problem-solving gives teens tools to take action in situations that might otherwise leave them feeling stuck and powerless. The key is to teach the skills, not to solve the problem. When we step in and solve problems for them, it can unintentionally reinforce the idea that they can’t handle challenges on their own and must wait for someone else to fix things. This can leave them feeling stuck and helpless - a very stressful experience!
One way to teach problem-solving is by turning it into a fun game. We start by identifying a specific problem, for example, your child keeps forgetting essential belongings either at home or at school. Once we have a problem, the goal is to generate as many solutions as possible. While it’s necessary to have at least a few serious solutions, it’s the wacky solutions that make this process funny rather than stressful. For our child who keeps forgetting things between home and school, one wacky solution might be to tie all of the belongings to them like those mitts-on-a-string that many young children use. Some solutions can be handled independently, while others may involve support from trusted people in their life. The goal isn’t to stop them from asking for help, but to build their confidence in figuring out what they need and how to move forward. If your child has some trouble coming up with solutions, you can ask them prompting questions like what would you suggest to someone who had this problem? If they ask what you think, tentatively share solutions that you have come up with and ask what they think about them - don’t forget to include wacky solutions!
Once they have generated a list of solutions, they can choose 2-4 options that seem most promising. For each of these options, help them to generate a list of short-term and long-term benefits and drawbacks. Similar to above, we don’t want to do this step for them - as an adult in their life, our job is to guide them through it. If they ask for your opinion, tentatively share what you believe might be a benefit or drawback and ask them what they think. Once each possible option has benefits and drawbacks listed, they can choose one solution to try out. If it doesn’t work they have another. Some solutions might require troubleshooting. In other words, they may need to try it, assess what worked and what didn’t, tweak it, and try again,
Remember, the solution doesn’t need to be something you would do, it’s about what will work for them. Do your best to avoid judgment if the solution doesn’t seem like the most logical or straightforward to you.
Support them in exercising their own agency.
Much anxiety often arises from a deep concern about having control - or a sense of agency - over one’s life and circumstances. One way to ease anxiety, in this case, is to empower your child to take action and support (and respect) their agency. Teenagers need to build confidence that they can solve problems on their own, and they need to build trust that you will be there to support them along the way. Of course, teenagers can’t have 100% control over their lives; there are some things that remain beyond their control. For example, the chores assigned to them may not be negotiable, but when and how they complete them might be flexible. Exercising their own agency can also look like setting their own boundaries (with people and screen time, for example), goals, and routines. It can also look like checking in with them before plans are made on their behalf, such as registering them for volleyball or booking a dental appointment (ex. would they prefer morning or afternoon? Would they like to go alone or with a parent?).
Model healthy coping skills and anxiety management.
Normalize experiencing and managing anxiety. Many young people believe they are alone in their experience - this isn’t surprising considering how little most of us share about our internal experiences. Think about the ways that you usually manage or cope with anxiety - how can you share these strategies with your child? For example, if you count to 10 when you notice yourself becoming dysregulated, you can say out loud “my anxiety is starting to rise, I need a break - I’m just going to count to 10 and breathe. 1, 2, 3… okay, that feels a little better.” Or perhaps you challenge your negative self-talk when you notice thoughts pop up. Consider sharing this process with your child.
This can look like: “I sent an email with a spelling error to everyone at the office… I felt so embarrassed and silly. I honestly felt so incompetent. I really wish I had checked that email. But it’s sent now! And it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, it’s not like I send spelling errors all the time. I was worried that people would think that I’m not smart enough for my job because I can’t spell - now that’s silly! One spelling error doesn’t mean I’m not smart or able to spell, right?”
If you manage your anxiety by going for walks, meditating, taking hot/cold showers, watching reruns of Friends, calling your best friend, or listening to music, tell your child about it! Let them know what you do on a regular basis that helps you cope with stress and anxiety. Tell them what you enjoy about it and help them find their own grounding practice.
Be patient - don’t push your child to talk about the things that are bothering them.
Yes, talking about it can certainly help, but it’s important for teenagers to talk about things when they are ready. There are plenty of ways to help without needing to know the details. There are also many reasons why they might not be ready to tell you. Maybe they’re worried they will get in trouble, or perhaps they’re embarrassed or ashamed. Some people might worry that they will become a burden or that their problems will be too much for you to handle. We can build trust with young people by consistently showing up, and respecting their boundaries.
Encourage them to remember they’re not limited to just you - they have a circle of caring adults who are there for them too.
Of course all parents hope that their child feels comfortable enough to share with them, but this isn’t always the case. As mentioned above, there are many reasons why a teenager may not want to share with you just yet. It takes a village to raise a child. Remind them that they have other trusted adults in their life (adults who won’t immediately tell their parents everything they shared unless there is a safety concern) with whom they can share their problems. These adults can be close family friends, aunts/uncles, grandparents, older siblings or cousins - anyone who is an adult and can be trusted to be safe and supportive.
Words matter - separate the anxiety from them.
When we notice signs of anxiety, stress, or worry in someone, our instinct might be to say “you’re anxious.” But for some, this can feel accusatory and upset them further. When supporting your child, it can be helpful to separate the anxiety from them. We point it out because noticing and labeling anxiety helps your teen understand what they’re feeling and gives them a starting point to manage it. Recognizing anxiety for what it is allows your teen to understand that the feeling is temporary and manageable, rather than a defining part of who they are. There are many ways to do this - here are a few examples:
It sounds like you might be feeling worried.
Who’s driving the bus right now? (they answer this one - you will need to have previously explained the concept of anxiety driving the bus and controlling our thoughts and behaviors).
What’s going on in your mind and body right now? (helps them leant to identify anxiety when it pops up).
Encourage them to face fears gently and at their own pace.
Encourage your teen to gently face the things that make them anxious, rather than avoiding them. Avoidance can feel like relief in the moment, but over time it often makes anxiety grow stronger. Instead, help your teen break the fear down into small, manageable steps that they choose for themselves. For example, if they’re afraid of swimming, they might start by sitting near the pool one day, dipping their feet in another, and slowly working their way toward being in the water — all at a pace they set. We’d also make sure to teach them skills like how to swim or float on their back. Facing fears gradually can help build confidence, reduce anxiety, and show them that they are capable of doing hard and scary things with support by their side.
Note: If even the first small step feels too overwhelming, that can be a sign they need extra support from a mental health professional who can guide them through the process safely.
Be clear about what may be shared with other key adults in their life, and why you want to share it.
It’s important to be honest with your teen about what will stay between the two of you and what you might need to share with others, such as a co-parent, to help keep them safe and supported. Let them know who you would involve, why, and how that person could help. Invite their input — if they feel uncomfortable with certain information being shared, try to find a compromise together. Whenever possible, give them a heads-up before you share something so they can be mindful of what they disclose and feel included in the process. Being clear and collaborative builds trust and helps your teen feel respected and safer opening up to you.
By putting these skills together, you can make a huge difference in your teen’s life.
Parents play a huge role in helping kids manage and cope with anxiety. Practicing the skills mentioned in this post can go a long way in building trust with your teen and supporting them to build the resilience and confidence they need to tackle their anxiety. Navigating anxiety can be incredibly challenging for teens and young people, but we can help them feel more empowered and in control of their lives. Anxiety might always be a passenger on their bus, but it doesn’t have to be the bus driver. They can kick it out of the driver’s seat.
Helping a child with anxiety is no easy feat, especially if you are also struggling in your life. Don’t forget to ask for help - co-parents, family, friends, and professionals like counsellors can help you carry the weight of parenting. You don’t need to do it alone.
Other resources to help you continue to support your teen:
Foundry North Shore: free counselling for teens and youth ages 12-24, free parenting support and classes, peer support for teens.
Hollyburn Family Services: support and training for parents.
HOpe Centre Family Support: bi-weekly family support and education group.
Here to Help: online support, training, and education on a wide range of mental health topics (includes resources for those helping someone with mental health struggles).
Kids Help Phone: e-mental health services available 24/7 across Canada for kids, teens, and young adults. Text 686868 or call 1-800-668-6868 to connect with someone.
KUU-US Crisis Line Society: free BC Wide Indigenous Toll Free Crisis and Support Line - call 1-800-588-8717.
Kelty Mental Health: offers peer support for families, parenting support.
Child & Youth Mental Health Intake: free counselling and support for children 0-18 (closest office is located in the same building as my office!).